Its Different This Time

Things between us got better now.

We text, we talk, we walk together,

But feelings of being loved as a GF isn't there anymore.

However, it feels so great to just have a walk, talk and even eating together.

Somehow, I just love being around him.

He's my comfort zone. :)

Hopefully things will be even better soon ; 

Its time to get ma' head into books and get my studies done before we get into greater depth.

Time will prove, baby.

My heart is always yours, always.♥

College has been really hectic lately,

I really doubt myself being an accountant in the future.

What is it that I really love to do in the future ?

I've done this 2 years back & I am still in a dilemma. Oh my.

I love singing, 

I love doing art and craft,

I love drawing,

I love creating stiff,

I love decorating pretty things,

But how am I gonna put this interest into Accounting ?

D: howw ?

I'm afraid I will regret taking this path. /:

My mind is so bothered by many many things,

I just want your guidance, Buddha.

I need your inspirational words to enlightened me.

To free myself from suffering, hatred and delusion.

I want a piece of PeacefulMind.

Will ya ?

He used to read me.

Do not dwell in the past,

Do not dream of the future,

Concentrate the mind on present moment. ♥

Things has changed and my heart is broken severely,

But that's not gonna stop me from being myself.

The qualities I have before we met,

Will not be taken away even if the love is retrieved. - Sue-Ann

I believe everything is going to be fine one day,

I will certainly get over the pain and sufferings.

Like what the Wise Man once said -

Faith is nourishment, 

Virtuous deeds are shelter, 

Wisdom is the light by day, 

& the right mindfulness is the protection by night.

If man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him. ♥

Wei Ting,

Be the person you are and never give up trying.

You can be strong, and before that happens, your mind must be strong.

Don't lose faith and continues to believe that what's yours will be yours.

Love come and go,

But the only one stays and continue to guard you like an Angel.

No matter where the Angel is, you are always protected and loved.

Be contented and happy,

That so many other people concerns.

Don't be selfish and share your love to others as well.

He's not the only person who loved you,

There are many out there waiting for your love.

Appreciate everything in the past, present and also future.

When you have the opportunity,

Never let go of it, instead work hard to achieve the best.

Once you've missed that turning in your life,

You'll regret for the rest of your life.

So please wake up,

Realise that he doesn't want to be part of you anymore,

But don't be sad, don't be down,

Put a smile on your face,

and tell yourself  " It's okay."

To you, my love one.

Although it has been a rough time for us,

Going through happiness and pains,

Ups and downs,

Thick and thin,

It was the best memory in my life.

This feeling for you is so strong,

That I couldn't breathe sometimes.

It hurts so much to know that things weren't working out between us,

My heart aches knowing that we have came to an end.

I was in a dream all these while,

Never realise that it was the End.

My heart shattered,

Flooded with tears of pain and misery.

I really love you very much,

Everything of you is a part of me.

Losing you, and your faith for me,

Is like losing a part of my soul.

There's an empty hole inside my soul,

Waiting for you to come back.

Come back fill my life and soul with pretty colours.

Fill it with happiness and comfort.

But now, you don't need me anymore,

You are strong and determined.

All I can do is to look at you from the corner of my eye,

Think of you, smiling at me and tell me you love me,

Thinking of you when I close my eyes.

I really miss you, baby.

I really do.

Tears strolling down to my cheeks,

and there's never gonna be someone to wipe those tears for me anymore.

我永远爱的只有你一个 ♥

Day # 22

Days has past, & we're still nowhere.
He hangs out and have fun everyday, while I'm waiting for him everyday.
The feeling and hurt deep inside me, is getting even deeper day by day.

The words that spill out from his mouth, crushes my heart into pieces.
My heart, can never heal anymore. What's left, is a tremendous scar to my broken heart.
He'll never be the same person I first met anymore.

Filled with cruelty and mean act against me.
Treat me cold, and warm as when he likes.
I'm so lost, I don't know what to do.

Tears rolling down my cheeks when the sunlight dawns.
All I feel, is the pain from the knife he pokes through my heart.
He said words, that hurts me really deeply.

He didn't know that I pray for his safety every night.
Radiating Metta and love to him,
My heart still wants him badly.

But just so I realise,
Everything has changed.
Him, us & our feelings.
Its the end of everything.
I'm gonna let go of everything I've every hold onto.

It has been three years,
Through deep and shallow,
Thick and thin,
Now has vanished into the air forever.

-lonely & heartbroken

Everything is all gone now, forever

Everything just happened too fast, because of that it became a disaster.
I thought I was perfect for you, I thought I was the one for you,
I thought you loved me with your heart and soul,
I thought you'll never leave me alone crying alone, I thought you'll never hurt me.

It turns out to be wrong, you've hurt me, you've tore my heart into tiny pieces that you can never mend it back.
You said I was an animal, I was an idiot to you.
You wanted to end this relationship long time ago,
You hated me so much that I can't feel any love anymore.
The truth is, you never have trust on me for two years.
You're a liar, a liar with no mask. You lie and you've hurt me deep enough.

Everytime I just want somebody to hug me, I want somebody to love me and pay attention to me,
You're not the person. You just weren't there for me at all.
Vows and promises that you've made, never come true.

I admit I have one wrong to you, but I never regretted this.
I never have any intention, I never would call you an animal,
because you really matter to me.
You never will understand what's on my mind.
You'll never know how much I care about this relationship,
how much I've poured my tears over arguments.
All you know is I never respected you, I never treat you fairly,
I cheated on you, and I never changed for you.

If that's all matters to you, I'm sorry.
Its over, we're not the soul mates I've been wishing for.
We're just not meant for each other.
I really loved you with heart and soul, but you've done things that hurt me really badly.
I can't tell myself to forget what you've said to me, I'll just have to let it go.

When anger takes place

How often do you get mad at someone ? Especially someone that really matters to you.
Does anyone out there encounter the same problem I'm facing right now ? Cause I really need help.

To be true, I am a very hot tempered person. Maybe I was brought up that way in my family, or maybe its just my own attitude problem. I don't know. But one thing I know, is when I get really mad at something nobody could stop me from doing anything. I hate myself for having this problem and I wanna overcome it so badly. :( I really do.

When I am angry, I say things that I don't mean it and scold that person in a terrible manner. When I was younger, I remember I wasn't like this. I was the one that got hit by my parents and tortured by them. But, why am I turning into them ? Why am I following their footsteps ? I don't want all this, I don't want to hurt anybody. I rather not befriend with anyone than hurting people around me for no reason.

My anger and temper arises whenever thing didn't work the way I plan. Maybe I get furious when I expect things too much. For example, I plan to go out with someone at 3pm, and when the person comes late and I had to wait. I'll get furious easily. I might be impatient but I am not totally impatient. I could me patient sometimes. I just don't know why things get on my nerves so easily.

I also get angry by just tiny little mistakes people do. I can't stand it when people don't act the way I expect them to act. Its so frustrating to me. I know this is bad, I need help. I need someone to guide me, I need someone to teach me how to understand better and learn to forgive people better. I wanna be like how I use to be. I don't want people to dislike me just because of my lousy temper that I know could harm the rest of my life. Temper could bring me down and if I don't learn how to overcome it now. Someday in future, everyone will not respect me for who I am anymore. No one would ever befriend with  me anymore.

Temper and anger also affects relationships. I'm not talking about girl/boyfriend relationship only,but also relationship between my family members. My parents use to argue almost everyday in front of my siblings and I. Maybe its because of that influence, that incident gave us a very big impact. It hit us very badly. Until today, we(siblings and I) might even argue among ourselves for small reason. I know it sound bad, I really wanna change things around me. I wanna make a difference in our family, an Don't want this to happen anymore cause I know this won't bring us any good. But first, I have to start making changes. I've tried, but still won't work. I understand when people teach me to control myself when I know I'm about to blow up. However when it comes, I just couldn't control.

Just like what my Sunday School teacher once told me in class. We must have the understanding before we could forgive others. We must know what is happening, and must understand the situation. I always fail whenever I attempt to do so. Buddha, can you show me the right path ? Can you lead me to be a better and understanding person so that I wouldn't hurt others ? I really hope, I'll make changes someday.

I really do :(

Why aren't we the same ?

Today is Monday, and Mondays are always great for me.
I love Monday because I get to gather will my colleagues, I get to go night market, and its also the starting of a whole new week.

Few things that is/or might happen :

• This week will be the last week of work,and my last day is on Wednesday (30 June 2010)
• I might be going on vacation before college starts.
• College is starting on 10th June 2010.
• I am definitely getting fatter after college starts because I will be walking lesser, running around lesser, and will be sitting more. Urgh.
• I might get a new lappy / might not too.

**

My last weekends were less productive as usual. Saturday, I was over at Bii's place. We woke up pretty late (later than my usual wake ups) and took late breakfast. Overall, we did nothing until late evening. We went out for dinner and then loitered around Sunway Pyramid for one / two hours cause I was bored.

On Sunday, Bii had his friend's wedding lunch. So, I had no choice but to stay at home. I decided to skip Sunday School, and it was time for me to clean up my super-duper messy bedroom. After all the cleaning and lunch, I watched TV and basically Sunday was just dead bored for me. Later at night, Bii came and we went to Amcorp Mall to check out some stuff. Stalls were closed before we arrive, so we missed everything. Then, we went to Taman Megah for dinner in conjunction with night market. Damn, I met my cousins and relatives there. I was so busted that they aren't suppose to know I have boyfriend cause their mindset is so damn old fashioned that they can't accept the fact that teens nowadays DO have boyfriends. And, I am not excluded !

Well, of course I was busted but screw them. We had dinner then left about 10.

On the way home, this issue suddenly stoke my mind. Here's something I would like to share with y'all.

Have you ever thought why God created us in many different height, weight, and looks ?
Well, I don't know why. But, here's the thing, why didn't God make us all the same height, same weight, and all look pretty and handsome ? Well, I was thinking if God made us all the same height, same weight and so on, there will be no discrimination and all those sort of nonsense happening today. Sickness like Bulimia, Anorexia Nervosa won't even occur among girls, cause they all are equally pretty and slim. Right ?

Nowadays, kids love to tease their classmates with different kinds of names and adjectives. Lets just say we were all the same as each other, all these shit won't happen anymore, right ?
Well, the fact is we can't change anything now cause we were made long time ago. This is just something that came to my mind, and I felt like sharing.

Boo hoo!

How Precious moments come and go.

How often do you find someone so attached to you in your life ?  I believe people come, and they'll eventually go. Unless, you hold on to them tight and they'll be there for you.

I would say, being in a relationship isn't something easy neither hard to do. Getting into a relationship is as easy as ABC, but maintaining a relationship is the toughest thing to do. I was young once, and was naive. I never knew how to appreciate relationships when I was younger, say about 15 years old ? That's cause those assholes I was with never appreciated me. I was like a doll to them, when they like me they come to me, when they got bored, they'll just never come back for you. I was dumped by all those assholes in every relationship I got into. Slowly, I just don't believe true love anymore.

Until one day in 2008, I've met him. I met him in a small room, filled with joy and laughter. It was a Sunday morning in conjunction with Mother's Day (2008) , he was performing out there. Singing his lungs out, full with passion and enthusiasm. I knew he was the right one, I just knew. After several weeks, I found out his name from a friend of mine. His name was Q. Ohh, I was so happy, and really HAPPY ! No words could describe how I felt that day.

Friendster was the in-kinda-thing back then. Facebook weren't popular yet. As usual, girls would make use of the search engine looking for friends/guys/relationships bla bla. I wasn't the odd one either. So one day I received an email from the choir group (the group that he performed with). I was stupid enough to take the initiative copying and paste those email address cc-ed in that email to the search engine in Friendster. After all that long long search, I finally found his ! Oh man, I was extremely crazy over him. I moved my mouse towards the 'Add as friend ' button, and quickly click onto it. Since then, I waited for him to accept my request..

After days, I still haven't got accepted as a friend. :( Sad enough, I thought he would think that I stalked him or something. I didn't bother, I proceeded the next step - is to add him on MSN. A faster way to get to him. Brilliant ! :D At that time, I use to have a blog too. I blogged about him very much until that extend of blogging about his biceps and packs. Crazy stuff, yeah I know. If I could recall, I think i MIA-ed for quite a while before I hogged onto the computer desk again.

After a few weeks, he MIA-ed from Sunday School too. Obviously, I was depressed. Disappointed too. I knew if I wanted to talk to him so badly, I had to do something. So then, I went home and sign into my MSN. Suddenly, the task panel at the bottom of my desktop screen was flashing with a orange coloured window. He pm-ed me ! tadaa. I was happy happy HAPPY ! He didn't know who was miko_loh4730... that added him, so he just click onto that address randomly checking who am I. Then he saw my picture, then only he recall my existence.

We continued chatting, chatting chatting. Chatting every night about all the nonsense in this world, but putting a WIDE SMILE on our faces. That feeling was crazy, but mad awesome, ha ha. So one day he asked if I had a blog, and I said yes blindly. I gave him the link, then, I paused. I thought I blogged about him ?! Damn, I totally forgot. I quickly went to my dashboard, tried deleting that post, but in the end I was too late. There, he read it ! Do you know how ashamed I was ? Hey, I'm a girl too and its normal to be shy at the age of 16 ? In my blog, it sounded like I was having a deep crush on him. In fact, I was. :)

After that incident, we became closer. I mean, not intimate close, but just closer and was struggling to get to know each other more every night on MSN. I remember, Nalanda Singing Competition was around that corner. The choir group was assigned to perform that day. and we attended. We sat together throughout the whole competition. I could hear people whispering and giggling behind me. It was pretty embarrassing ya' know ? We had a bus that will drive us back to temple after the competition. Q, came promptly and sat beside me. He talked to me personally and we almost.. kissed. Obviously, we didn't. That's crazy, who would do that? LOL.

One night, he finally asked me a question on MSN, " Would you hire me as your employee ? " - something like that kay, I don't really remember what he said to me. I didn't know what he meant, So I just replied with a " Ha ha xD. " Later on, he asked me in a simpler sentence. I stoned ! I was so surprised that he actually proposed to me. He wanted me as his girlfriend. Omg, of course I said yes lah. Ha ha ! I agreed to him. I remember I was so happy that I was dancing downstairs like Nob.Bus. My sis had me recorded and I'm still keeping that silly video of myself.

We got together since then. Many shits happened, good and bad. We went through all kinds of hardship, challenges, problems, arguments and not to mention, break up too. There's nothing that we have never tried before. All I could say is, I really love this little crazy boy. At times, he might hurt me in someway, but most of the time, he treats me really well. He took care of me when I was sick, he spends time with me once he's free, he'll always carry his HUGE luggage bag all the way from his place to my house and he look like a silly small boy etc. I love the way he bear hug me, I love the way he stroke my hair, I love those stupid things he always says to make me laugh. I just love everything about him, everything.

Nothing is forever, unless you know how to appreciate moments like this. Just always bare in mind that, perfect soul partners don't come easily. When your golden opportunity to be together is just right in your hands, grab it and never let go easily ! Never every let them go, because when your chance slip away, you might have to wait for a long long time to find another perfect one. Or maybe, you might not find the right one anymore. So, lovey couples out there, don't let each other go no matter what happens. Because I've gone through many shits, and I know the consequences. Trust me, you'll find true happiness that way.

Today is 24th - the date we got together , and this is the 1 year 10 month we've been together. I hope we could enjoy this day, happily and joyfully. I love you baby, Kevin Liew.

Cheers to our relationship ! xD